Now what? I’ve got this thing and I’m suppose to accept it? How do you accept a chronic debilitating disorder?
I felt helpless at first. Depression started to take over. It was like looking into a tunnel with no light at the other end. I’ve always been optimistic but I didn’t know how to put a positive spin on this. I was crushed.
I realized I couldn’t change this monster inside but I could change the way I handled it emotionally and physically. I hunt for the positive now. It doesn’t always exist but I never stop looking for it. I don’t think I’ll ever accept it because to me accepting it means I am deciding to live with it. That would be choosing to let it in and I will never do that! I will fight it every day. I will learn new ways to do what I thought was taken from me.
I fight physically by staying active. There are of course days I lose but as long I never stop trying I’ll be proud of myself.
Emotionally I try to stay positive which is probably harder than the physical some days. I’ve found meditation to be very helpful. When I can’t find the positive I do my best to find the humor.
Another way I fight back is by writing to all of you. Raising awareness so that one day in the future it won’t take a young girl years to get diagnosed.
Sometimes when I ‘m struggling I write random thoughts on paper. This is one I came up with during a very difficult period.
I can’t see you
but you are a part of me.
I can’t control you
but you control me.
No one can see my pain
but you remind me everyday.
No one understand my limitations
but you remind me dare I forget.
I’m told there is no cure
but I’ll never give up hope!
I’m told to accept it
but how do I cope?
You live within me
but you will not define me!
You live to smite me
but you will not win!
You may bend me
but never break me!
You may hurt me
but not destroy me!
I’ll beat you still
if only with my will!
This is how I deal with all that Ankylosing Spondylitis has taken from me. How do you?